Another adventure today...and paying the price!

Before I begin today's great adventure, I want to get something out in the open. I often think of the times that you said to me that I didn't pay child support and that your mom did everything on her own as I continued to give you the things you asked for when you wanted or needed something. How I listened to that and thought to myself, how you would even have presence of mind to even think those thoughts? You had tears in your eyes as you said those things. Well, I let my disgust get the better of me and couldn't stand the thought of you actually believing that so I showed you a certified bank check made payable to NCCS on your behalf, only to have you respond "well, it's not enough"!

Without a doubt due partly in hearing from others that your mother's statements were that I "never paid child support" and that I "was a deadbeat dad", that I  "didn't want anything to do with my children", and that I "had abandoned you", I understand why you think the way you do.
I am so truly sorry that you have grown up with your perceptions of me. It wasn't fair for either of you to have to be without your father and to have to distrust and hate me the way you do. My heart just breaks for you. More so for you Matthew. I wish you had not been in the position to have to choose sides.
It is sad that you can never know what was missed. Brooke, you will have some idea as you have spent some time with me.

Your mother told me that I would be sorry for ignoring her and that one day it would be too late and I would pay the price, that I would regret it. She was right. She told me this over and over and I still wouldn't get out of bed. I hope you know and understand that my not getting out of bed had absolutely nothing to do with you and not wanting to be with you. I chose not to be around your mother. I didn't want to be with your mother.

Well, if you ever read this you can tell her that she succeeded and I was sorry as I will continue to pay the price. The price that I pay is not having my children in my life. The bigger price that I pay and am very sorry for is that the two of you have lost out.

This is the objective of this blog, that other parents won't make the same mistakes or at least think about what they do and how it will affect their children. How they steal their children's innocence. How their actions rob their children of both parents love and affections and all of the benefits that come with it! It is okay if adults don't like one another but don't make the children the recipients of that anger and hatred.

I have given up any ideas, hopes, or dreams of ever having you in my life other than in mind, heart, and prayers. I saved the (still sealed and post marked) letters,cards, presents, and checks in hopes that one day you will want to see for yourself that I did everything I knew to keep contact with you and that I did send them despite what you have been told or believe. It can not be denied that these things were refused and returned to me. I am confident that you will believe that it was your decision to refuse those things, to refuse me. I hope that you will one day take the time to read this blog and you will know the mistakes made and will choose not to do the same with your children should you choose to have any.

I used to cringe at the thought of how you felt about me. Now I just feel a sort of helplessness and sadness. I am learning to live and cope with those feelings. While I will never be totally healed from those feelings of loss, I am letting go and letting God have control. That seems to help most of all.

The love of this father will never die,

Me