Memories re-visited...

Good morning world.
Today starts out a wonderful day as I sit here with my better half watching the hummingbirds buzz around drinking the nectar from these amazing flowers. While watching the chickens run around showing off their skills in the attempt to rise in pecking order, I am reminded of how simple, enjoyable, and precious life really is.

I am also reminded of how difficult life has been and how grateful I am to have figured out how to remove most drama and negativity from my life. I had to pay a great price during the time that it took figuring it out and an even greater price when I decided to move in a direction to rid myself of all that was impacting that life.
As I sift through documents that will add to previous posts I am reminded of moments spent with my daughter (Brooke). At times I had those aha moments when I felt I had had an impact on her sense of right and wrong. I had hoped through my actions, I instilled in her, higher standards of morality for which she would live by. I had hoped we had had enough time with her to have made a difference.
I  am saddened by the many documents that I fumble through and the memories that they bring. I am heartbroken by the underlying ramifications that surface from the many years of PAS.

Be careful as to the lessons that you teach your child or to other children. They will most likely live by those lessons. A part time on/off again parent doesn't have much opportunity to make much of a moral impact on their children.

I came across vacation and event calendars that my daughter and I constructed together and independently of one another. I believed that by sharing those together, Brooke had ownership during the making of and when the time spent together actually took place. I was right until interference by alienating factors kicked in. During the last, of many court appearances I learned that Brooke took from my home several of those calendars and gave them to her mother. I wondered how our vacation and event plans were often thwarted. Brooke's mother's attorney had possession of them.

My daughter felt it necessary to take items from our home and deliver them to her mother. How many years had this been going on. Long enough for my daughter to believe that stealing and lying was okay, especially when it came to getting what she wanted, and that is the why this would happen. Trust is built over time just as distrust is built in a moment. My daughter never had to try to please me as she pleased me by just being my daughter.
Be careful of what you teach your children, they may live by those lessons.

Pain runs through my veins all the way to my heart when I hear of less than stellar moments that they have in their lives. It does not please me nor do I experience joy in their failures or short comings . I do not have satisfaction in being the one that says "I said this would happen"! "The handwriting was on the wall"! "I told you so"!

I want the best for them, yet I can not give them the best. I want them to succeed, yet I am unable to guide them to success. I was forced to leave my life in order to have a life which I am more and more grateful for and happier with. I pray for my children's prosperity and that they too may find their way to reap the rewards of happiness.

I miss my child(ren) tremendously and thank my higher power for having given me the opportunity to feel those feelings in the first place.

Onward with living life to the fullest,
Matt