A New Day

With each new day brings new feelings along with the old. Being in WS, NC brings continuous heartache along with feelings of hopelessness. It could be quite depressing if I chose to allow the negative feelings to take over. That would mean loosing control and letting circumstances get the best of me. I refuse to let that happen. I am in as much control of my feelings as I can be and therefore have much more control over my circumstances. I believe that I will continue to turn the control of my life over to the care of God so that he will continue watching over me, guiding me, and relieve me of my desire to control my life alone. I do not have to win or prove anything to anyone. I am happy to be where I am in life and will continue to strive to fulfill my dreams.

For many years I believed that I had some control over whether or not I had some say so over my relationships with you kids. I was naive to believe as to whether I could have a positive relationship with you children. I have resolved to the fact that I will likely never have a positive relationship with either of you. Not because I wouldn't have wanted to but because your mother didn't want you to have me in your lives. I think somehow she believed by cutting me out it would make her all important and she wouldn't run the risk of being unimportant. What she didn't understand was that she would always be loved by you and important to you kids because she is your mother. As for having a father, well you got exactly what she wanted you to have, nothing less and certainly nothing more!
For you Matthew, I can't say enough about how sorry I am of the uncertainty of your paternity. I never wanted nor did I have any desire to have it any other way other than you being my son. Your mother and you placed that uncertainty in my life. I didn't ask for it. I am not ashamed that I thought you were and wanted you my son! Even after you have reacted to me with anger and rage and yelled obscenities at me. As long as you are angry with me, you will never know any truths nor should it be important to me. I would encourage you to get to know your grandma Joanne just because she is a wonderful person and she will love you regardless. She will be straight forward with you, like it or not. It is not by chance that she was also cut out of your lives.

Brooke, I read a post of yours on a chat sight and you stated that your mom was the strongest woman you knew and that she protected you and your brother. From what? From who? Well it is safe to say that your mom is the strongest woman you could know. It is easy to be the strongest when you won't and don't allow any other significant person to be in your lives. You only had influences that your mother chose for you to have. Anyway it is late and I am tired. A long day on the road tomorrow.

Always with love in my heart and mind for you both...